The Rosie Bee

Starring Grizzy and Sophie

Two Weeks

I miss her so much.

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I know I definitely want more kitties, but right now it’s just so hard. The other day I got her final vet bill and I just lost it. It was like I lost my baby all over again. That’s when I realized I’m just not ready to adopt just yet. It made me realize right now I just want *her*. I want her to park herself on my chest in the morning. I want her to sleep on me when I chilled on the couch after work (I always thought of this as “Mom and Me” time, lol). Grief is an interesting, complicated, sneaky thing. I don’t like it.

I miss my Rosie so much.

😦

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My Rosie Memorial

Rosie pendant

Rosie pendant

I mentioned in one of my last entries how I wanted to do some sort of memorial for Rosie. I’ve admired Wexford Jewelers jewelry for a long time. I’ve especially liked the garden/rose line. I decided to contact them about making a custom piece. They said absolutely and hurrah! I will soon be getting a piece similar to the one above. I will post it as soon as I get it.

I could never forget my Rosie Bee, and she will always be in my heart, but I like the idea of her always being close to my heart. 🙂

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my missing piece

my missing piece

This pretty much sums up how I feel. It’s so weird driving home and realizing I won’t be coming home to my Bee, waiting to be fed. Last night I set an alarm for this morning and I burst into tears realizing I have to set an alarm – before this weekend, she was always there to wake me up. I miss picking her up and holding her and telling her how beautiful she is or how tiny she is or how much I love her. I go into the bathroom to put on my make-up and I unconsciously wait for her to come in and step on my feet. I wonder what’s taking her so long and then I realize, she’s not here.

I miss her so, so much.

I understand how people get memorial tattoos, although I myself am not a tattoo person – but I really understand it more now. I’m more of a jewelry person. I think I may have found something to help me remember her (not that I could ever forget). Crossing my fingers that it works out.

Tomorrow is Sunday. I’m so glad I skipped church last Sunday to be with my girl. It’s a really nice memory, and especially comforting now.

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Thank you

Thank you for all your kind thoughts and prayers. I will write more in a day or two or three, but I did want to say thank you for all the support. I received the emails throughout the day and they really helped me.

Rosie did seem to let me know, even though I wasn’t really expecting that, to be honest. I had an appt for later in the day, but this morning, well, I knew it the time was at hand.

I know she was sick and not feeling well, but I don’t think she suffered. This is a small comfort.

I was very happy that we enjoyed some very sweet moments this morning. She did lap up a little bit of tuna juice, so she had a little something in her tummy.

She purred like nothing else, her motor was so loud. She headbutted me and gave me a lot of face-rubs and was very loving. She’s usually very affectionate, but with her not feeling well the past couple weeks, she was a little slower. So it was a true blessing that for a while this morning, it was like she’d never been sick. This really eased a bit of my heartache.

This is really hard to write…so that’s all for now. I just can’t even describe the emptiness and tiredness I feel. I guess I’m still in shock? But I am very thankful for your thoughts and prayers, and I am so, so happy and feel very blessed that my last moments with my baby girl were very happy and warm and peaceful. And I already miss her so very much.

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Rosie In a Cloud

Today was a really lovely Sunday morning. I skipped church on account of feeling a little meh, given events of last week. I was happy I did, as it was so relaxing to stay at home. I puttered around my room and Rosie perched herself on different things. Eventually she made her way to my bed. I love it when she sleeps on my down comforter – she looks like a little queen in a giant cloud.

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This was a good reminder to me that I need to slow down and enjoy the small pleasures in life – which are actually really big!

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My precious baby girl

First, thank you for all your lovely comments, prayers and thoughts. I truly appreciate them.

It’s taken me a long time to write this post. Sadly, my Rosie’s cancer has come back. I would like to note that she was a champ, an absolute champ, at the vet’s office. And my heart breaks how, when she was done being poked and prodded, I took her in my arms and she just collapsed, like a heavy pancake. Just flattened out. My poor baby girl.

The vet, Dr. Awesome, was wonderful as always. I can’t say enough for how kind and compassionate he and his staff are. I appreciate that they are very honest, but also deliver the less-than-good news with the utmost kindness. I think this is a gift that few people have, and anyone who goes there is lucky.

We discussed options. I’m going to start crying really hard again, so I’ll keep it brief: surgery does NOT seem like the best option at all. It would be pretty invasive – much more invasive than her last surgery – and the cancer she has is almost guaranteed to come back. Right now I’m just keeping her comfortable. Eventually, I’ll have to let her go. I’m praying she’ll go peacefully in her sleep, but…I’m certainly not going to let my girl be in pain.

I just fed her and she only ate about a quarter of what she usually eats, so that has me so upset. I’m definitely going to get a rotisserie chicken later today or tomorrow morning.

I’ve had pets my entire life but Rosie is just so special. She’s comforted me through many, many difficult times. I feel so blessed to have her, and I feel so extraordinarily blessed to have her love.

Still, my heart breaks that my poor baby girl is going through this. Every day with her has been a gift, and these days now are especially precious.

Thank you again for you kind thoughts; I appreciate them.

I'm getting this picture framed.

My happy little Rosie Bee. I’m getting this picture framed.

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:/

There is no easy way to put this: I found another lump on Rosie, right around where the original lump was, under her armpit. I’m taking her in on Wednesday evening for a visit with the vet. I’m bracing myself for the worst, but I’m hoping for the best. My bee was a little wheezy this weekend, but has been fine the last day or so. She seems like she’s eating a little less, but that’s very subtle. Maybe it’s just me being an overprotective mama?

I feel like I’m so calm typing this out but trust me, I had my big meltdown last night. I guess I’m just cried out for the moment. But also, I’m trying to enjoy every moment with my sweet girl. We just had some quality time watching QVC, haha. (On top of everything else, I’m not feeling so hot. It’s nice to have a kitty on your lap when you have a sore throat.)

I’ll keep you all posted. In the meantime, here is an oldie but a goodie picture of my Bee:

Sunning

Sunning

It reminds me of lazy summer weekends. I don’t mind the winter, but I am looking forward to this summer!

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