Seven months ago I was recruited to a new position. It was great! I loved my team! Now seven months later, I’m the only one from my team left. (Well, there’s one more person but she’s given her notice.) There have been shifts due to a reorg for the past several months and there’s going to be more in the future. And right now, I am so over it. I’m tired of dealing with this, of tick-tock, tick-tock not knowing if I’ll have a job (or what it’ll be) in however many weeks or days. It’s no wonder I’m on the wide-awake-at-4-am schedule.
Last week someone asked if I regretted the change? Sigh. Yes, that’s a great thing for me to ponder now. Although maybe that should have prepared me for the barrage of emails I got after it was announced that my boss was leaving. You wouldn’t believe how many emails I got asking “What does this mean for you?” In addition to making me roll my eyes clear to the back of my head, it spoke volumes about the current, unstable situation.
I’ve been trying to be proactive, but I’m tired of looking for new opportunities and not having anything come to fruition. Or better yet, they seem great and when it gets down to it, you realize what you read about it NOTHING like the actual opportunity, or they don’t know what the heck they want. ::facepalm:
And let me tell you, being recruited over to a team only to have everyone scatter within less than a year? It’s a pretty awful feeling. Doesn’t do anything to quell the panic, that’s for sure. Plus, while I’m really happy for my former teammates who have gone on to greener pastures, it makes me feel bad, too, like, “Why not me?”
Lately, at melodramatic as it sounds, I can’t help but think “Where did I go wrong?” Now, I’m very pragmatic and I know thinking that won’t help or change anything. But I suppose when I feel stuck and I can’t cover any new ground, those negative, useless thoughts crop up.
Oh! I’m frustrated with some family stuff, too. I won’t even bother getting into that, but suffice to say, I’m drained. Again, I am so over it.
All this stress is making it difficult for me to sleep, and the past couple days I’ve noticed when I think about it I get this weird tightness in my chest, like there is a band around it. I’m making a good effort to eat well, practice self-care and the like, so I don’t think it’s anything worth concerning myself about, not right now anyhow. I just need to get it out, so that’s why I’m unloading here. (I promise this won’t become a regular thing.) Times like this I wish there was a batting cage, so I could safely, in a healthy way, hit something really hard and release some of this frustration. Since I am not anywhere near a batting cage, I went for a long walk. See? I am trying to deal with things in a healthy manner. It’s just a rough time because so many things have piled up at once and I have a feeling there’s more to come.
That’s the end of my rant. As I said, I promise this won’t become a regular thing. And here is something nice: If you made it through all that, you certainly deserve a picture of two sweet kitties. Here you go. 🙂
No matter how awful a day or week or month, these guys bring me so much joy.